Miami! My sister stated "Bad things happen there" Miami!" My mom said how about west palm beach if you really want to move" Miami! My college friends said how about manhattan? Miami? My older brother said " You're not going there! No way! I know what happens there"
But I had a dream, while many others taught in china for a year or joined the peace corps my dream was to spend a few months warming up from the cold NY winters and I'll admit it to rebel to go somewhere no one could imagine me in.
I promised myself I'll be home soon but you need to push your limits and so there I went. With my suitcases I flew down on a cold January day similar to this one. I kissed my friends goodbye walked off the plane and immediately felt the florida sunshine and said ok here we go here's my adventure.
I didn;t care what I did for work after all this was temporary. I found a minimum wage job and said heck it's adventure so I'll eat a lot of ramen I've done it before. I remember working at an event and one of my coworkers said oh so how long do you plan to be here. I said 6 months I'm NOT staying here, this is just my gap year. He said 6 months? I said that 10 years ago and I'm still here.
I shook my head knowing when I put my mind to something it would happen and said I'm not staying. I just wanted a new experience.
But then the unthinkable happened. I made friends. A city is just a bunch of buildings without having people to explore it all. I decided the "experience" met making a friend or two and started to organized events and introduce myself hoping I would find what I had left at home: down to earth intelligent non superficial people in all places, Miami Beach. This was one of those examples of be careful what you put out in the universe. I thought I'd make a friend or two but at one event 50 people came! I'd go places and feel like a celeb as people would be like Sue! Sue! and tell me they met me a month ago at an event. It was what I had dreamnt about since I was a little girl: overnight popularity. Still though something was missing, the whole time I would compare them to my friends in NY and wish my NY friends were with me. Enjoying myself but knowing it wasn't the same without them.
Years later I remembered that old coworker and feeling like I failed as I was still here. I never felt the new friendships measured up because I didnt know everything about their families and lives, and didnt have the chance to stay up all night talking about everything and anything. In many ways what had broughts us together was necessity, not knowing anyone else and having to start over in a new city. Through wild nights of drinking, flirting, and partying, numerous brunches and various other activities I always saw them as people to do things with. Truly believing it wasnt the same types of friendships as I had in NY. I didn't understand why post college friendships were not the same as the college ones.
I was 22 then, 8 years later at 30 I am alot wiser now. I have seen those friends through job loss, marriage, divorce, and beautiful babies. They have sat on the floor and cried with me as I lost those I loved and celebrated with me when I got promoted or that cute guy finally called. Making friends after college is hard. You don't have the same time or the same opportunities as you do when you are in high school or college. The relationship is a different one but that does not mean it is a bad or unimportant one. Slowly I took for granted those people would be in my life and although every year I told them this is the year! This is the year I'm moving! They knew well enough that miami had become my home and even when it is not they would still care about my happiness no matter where I ended up in the world.
As cities go, friends move. As those friends I was so desperate to make moved they would hug me goodbye and tell me how I had changed their life. I had moved down with selfish intentions and stayed with selfish intenations. I had no intention to change someone's life or give them the frienships they were seeking so badly. But everytime I would become speechless.
It's a heavy weight to realize that you never truly know the affect you have on someone. Asking about their day, smiling, even a text can make an impact.
I wanted so badly for my friends here to be the friends I left that I never realized that although they were not those people they would bring new lessons, new experiences, new advice that I could only get from my miami friends. Friendships can not be compared. There is no better or worse no more or less important. There is just that understanding that no matter how long it has been since you spoke, no matter what words have not been spoken, you care about each other no matter what. Trust the people in your life, they are there for a reason.
Amongst the shots, and the morning after stories, true friendships were being made. I truly wish I had been wise enough to see it value it, and hold it close to my heart. Sometimes just knowing you love your friends is not enough sometimes you need to tell them and hold them close and never let them go no matter how they came into your life, they came in and slowly crept into your heart. And sometimes your heart knows best. Much of my strength I got from them knowing that the one thing they had in common with my NY friends was that they didn't judge me. They loved me for the kooky person I was even if I danced a little too much like Elaine on Seinfeld.
I dedicate this to my fallen angel, whom I didn't want to admit how much I would miss her when she moved, and avoided akward conversations because I knew how much it would hurt me how scary it would be for me to have these conversations because I would have to accept that these people I spent my days with were no longer activity partners but instead life long friends. With friendships comes a whole new level of responsobility. I had come here to have a good time for a few months to dance and hang out with people not to bond. I had forgotten the words of the song "In good times, and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more" After the bad times I had been through of losing family members, of losing my innocence, I focused on the good times to keep myself going. I avoided bad times at all times and only would hang out with positive people. I saw a change in you and did not want to accept it as you were my strength. I debated not talking to you as much but, Martha I kept seeing you the past few months, because it would break my heart to not hold your hand even if I couldn't muster up the courage to ask you to share. And yes readers, I know how selfish this sounds. It was a struggle to be happy and I wanted to keep things light for the both of us. Sadly, in the silences this was much darkness felt which I didn't know how to respond to. I was scared to believe in the strength of our friendship knowing if I pushed too hard I could lose you. When you see a bird with a broken wing you want to help them but are afraid you startle them they may never fly again. Everyone says you made a choice. Well I made a choice too, a choice to not open my soul up and become attached to people. My way of dealing with the hurt I had been dealt was to only loosely be attached. I believed by only loosely being attached, of only sharing good times with my friends I would not feel loss as much if one day we stopped talking or they moved or they made a new friend.
Now I know the loss is only worse when you avoid attachment. I truly wish I could have been the friend you were to me. To believe in me when I didn't believe in myself. To give advice out of the blue even when not asked and to know how to subtely overstep boundaries showing you cared without making me feel uncomfortable. I never thought I'd look at my window so much hoping you'ld just "stop by" and then immediately ask about my life and let me know how you saw me. Now I look at the window only wanting to give you a hug and let you know I'll do anything to heal your pain. I always felt like you were wise beyond your years because you knew the importance of friendships and others. You had sadly learned this lesson before anyone should experience such tragedy "I will always remember my brother Jimmy, and one way that I honor him is to not take my life or the people that I have in my life for granted. I am very thankful for each day that I have.
You could have made the same choice I did after a loved one's death. To limit your heartfelt interractions. Instead you chose to embrace life making friends with people from all around the world. No matter how short of time people had with you they felt your light.
Somehow you always knew what to say, and to me that is your legacy all the amazing friends you left behind, and the beautiful words you always said. You had been through more than I can imagine and I am truly amazed how you continued to trust and open yourself up to others no matter the cost. I only wish I can one day do the same.
